I have found it very difficult over the past few days not to cry uncontrollably. I have done it in the car, in bed, on the phone, at work, in the shower, on the toilet... EVERYWHERE and at the most random moments.... Hormonal much?! Maybe :) But more than that AMAZED!!!!!
A father's love: Sounds great if you have a good one... a dad that is! One like Jeremy that puts his kids before me sometimes, who runs to protect them, and shelter them from hurtful things. A dad like the ones on T.V. that sacrifice everything for their kids and go unmeasurable lengths to show them their undying affection. Oh to be picked up like an airplane and swooped in the air by the outstretched arms of a loving daddy! To be tucked in and gently kissed on the forehead before drifting off to la la land. To hear the deep voice of a father read a story book or shew away scary monsters in your closet.. Someone to sit on the front porch with a loaded gun ready for a bad news boy. Maybe someone to actually get all choked up and shed a few tears before lowering a veil and walking his princess down the aisle. Perhaps someone to tell your children stories that they will one day tell their own children. Someone to take the grand kids fishing or simply take a walk with, ask advice from, cry to, laugh with.... The list goes on and on. Yep a father would have been great!
I had one that I really liked but he wasn't my real dad and he didn't last long. The jealously of step siblings and the expectations of military mentality type life made it hard to truly connect. I could go into so much more but I won't.... I have a good relationship with him to this day but he's not my dad.. My kids don't know him. I have not in my adult life received a present or a visit from him on special occasions or any occasion at all for that matter. My brother was so gracious to walk me down the isle. He was also there when my children came into the world. A father however?!?! Ummm, not so much!
Despite the absence of a father to call my own, in my opinion I have done fairly well. I don't use it as a crutch for sympathy, nor do I wallow in it relentlessly causing more pain and heartache. I don't blame all of my misfortunes on not having a dad. I honestly believe that in some weird way it has made me stronger. OK, now I'm rambling... Forgive me.... Moving right along. The father stuff will be relevant in a minute.
OK... so lets see... Hmmm, oh yes.... Tears! Well I will get to that in a minute too.. First things first.. 22 Years old, I'm sitting in a doctor's office awkwardly uncomfortable. You all know it ladies, that moment when the doctor puts their cold hands on your hips and says, "ma'am, I need you to scoot down a little more.... ok, just a little more.... almost there... ok, good job... Now just let your knees go... Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to relax. Ok now this is gonna be a little cold." You get my point?? LOL... All was very routine until I hear... "hmm, a few more seconds, I just need to check something.... hmm, well Mrs. Jones it looks like we are going to have to do a biopsy" WHA? A biopsy of what?? I'm perfectly healthy... I'm 22 years old for goodness sake. I didn't say that of course, I just sat and listened as he explained that the abnormal cells on my cervix indicated pre cancer and would need to be tested and removed if they were indeed harmful cells. Okay.... Swallow.... That's not a problem, lets schedule a biopsy.
One week later I find myself in the same awkward position; after of course I had to pee in a cup, write my name on it with a sharpie marker and place it in the little medal window; this time though, the room was much bigger and there were a few more people to share my awkward and embarrassing moment with. There's just something about 3 nurses and a doctor studying the lower part of my body with lights and magnifying machines that doesn't scream comfortable.. "Just a little pinch Mrs. Jones.... Breath.... One More.... You ok? Here we go, almost done." Whewwwww get me outta here!! I could hardly wait to spring off that table and rush out as fast as I could... One more minor detail.... The cup I so delicately placed in the little medal window was tested and came back positive! Wait, I wasn't preggo the week before when I scheduled this apt. and maybe I was a few days off on my menstrual calendar but there's no way I miscounted that bad... OK..... inhale.... exhale.... excited, scared, anxious, nervous, happy!! YAY a new baby!!! I left happy and overwhelmed with excitement despite the surprise, we actually tried months before to have another baby. I was on cloud nine... names were flowing through my mind like crazy.
I received a call a few days later and was asked to come to the office for a consultation... for what? My next baby visit wasn't for another 4 weeks or so... "your results are in and the Dr. would like to see you." OK, this sounds bad. To make a long story short, the cells were bad and required surgery to be removed, however that was not possible since I was pregnant. I would have to wait until the baby was born and have the surgery then...
Nine Months fly by, a beautiful baby boy is born and I have to recover from my C-Section which took about 6 weeks... Time to have the surgery. After another examination they discovered that the cancer had spread a lot over the nine months. They would need to be more aggressive then originally planned.
Had the surgery, all went well as far as I knew. Woke up groggy with smiling faces of loved ones and a new baby boy! Good, This is all over... Woo Hoo
One week later hopes and dreams of finally living a normal life; after 9 months of pregnancy and 6 weeks of bed rest; all came crashing down, when my brother drove me to the nearest hospital for hemorrhaging.. Another long story short... The amount of cells called for a hysterectomy but in an effort to save my young reproductive organs the Dr. felt like a Lazar would be sufficient... He took too much and a paper thin cervix tore and couldn't be repaired.
What to do now?? another surgery?.. I've already had 2 in 2 months.... YUP... One week after the second surgery I was back on the table, being told to count backwards from ten as the faces of white coats and masks quickly disappeared. They were able to fold my cervix over and stitch it up. I had a new baby, I couldn't even enjoy. The loss of blood made me weak and due to the surgeries, getting out of bed wasn't an option. Can I ever have children again?? The grueling question that weighed on my mind daily..
Over the past seven years, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant... Ovulation kits and test have taken up permanent residence underneath our bathroom counter. There are several times throughout those years we gave up hope and took the attitude of, "if it's going to happen, it's going to happen." Then baby fever would hit hard and we were at it again.... Counting days, reading about tricks and tips... doing everything in our power to make it happen..
On December 2nd 2008, sitting in the Emergency Room, I was informed by a nurse with compassionate eyes that I was having a miscarriage... A miscarriage?? I didn't even know I was pregnant. I went in for enormous size blood clots that would not let up. Wow.... pregnant? I was SO close... to find out something so happy and sad all at the same time was more than I could take.... Emotions ran wild and I cried for days... I was told to have my HCG levels checked 2 days later to make sure that the baby passed and I wouldn't need a D & C. Blood test came back more pregnant than before?? ok, strange! twins? One lived the other passed.... Ok, YAY, I'm still pregnant... 7 years and I'm pregnant :)
This pregnancy was very challenging from the word go. I had a subcoreionic hemorrhage (spell check pls) and bled non-stop. My placenta was detaching which caused more bleeding and lots of pain. I had a huge blood clot hanging over the amniotic sac, threatening to wipe it out at any moment. Bed rest was mandatory and so were diapers. The Dr. had me on 4 different pain killers, all considered narcotics. I was hospitalized for 6 days.
On Jan. 23rd, I lost my baby :(
I had a D & C at 3:00pm and went home empty handed with a broken heart and no baby. 2 Weeks later I had to report to the hospital again for another D & C because they weren't able to recover all of the baby remains the first time. before they would operate they had to give me 2 bags of blood because they were afraid if I lost anymore on the operating table they would lose me. That was a scary day!!
We let 1 month pass and started back on trying to have a baby... 12 months later, still no hope
After living like a wild child for way too long I ended up in the 4th row, 2nd from the left chair at the Landing church. It was a Sunday night and I was there from guilt. There was an evangelist named Danny Johnston who was preaching God's word and healing through the Holy Spirit... My pride wouldn't allow me to budge from my seat, so I watched from a distance as everyone else went forward for their healing and blessing.
LOL, I guess God had something else in mind because Mr. Johnston pointed me out from the crowd and told me to come forward..... "Me?" I looked from side to side and behind me as if he were pointing at me by mistake and he was really talking to the person behind me. I was too cool to be all holy in front of all of those people. I don't believe in hypocrites and I certainly wasn't living right... He continued to talk to me and sternly motion for me to come forward. I started walking toward the stage scared that all of my sins were about to flow out of his mouth like sewer water for the whole world to here... I didn't want to go. I got there and looked up to him like a lost child about to be punished. With love in his eyes and a voice that I swear sounded like God himself told me that I was a leader with the heart of Caleb. That I needed to stop worrying about what my friends thought and what the world thought of me. He told me that I had something brewing up inside of me and if I would let it all go and let God he would handle the rest.. WOWWWWW Ummmmm, did that REALLY just happen to me?? Did God just speak to me?? When I wasn't even looking for it?? Did he really just repeat my thoughts that no one knew about? Before I could catch my breath I got called up again!! He said that God had a double dose for me.. then he said it, the big elephant in our house that is always staring us down.. The statement that made jaws drop and eyes widen..... He said, "I'm seeing Fertility issues, You are trying to have a baby and cannot conceive because your womb is broken" Wait!!! Hold Up!!!! This man is from out of town. No One else here really know my story except the people that came with me?? This had to be God!! But did God love me enough after all the bad things I've done? Did he care enough to call me out?? He finished by saying, "My Child, your womb has been healed and the baby is coming!! Get ready to make preparations for a baby because God said you are healed and your womb had been restored" clapping, tears and shocked faces surrounded me as my heart pounded vigorously in my chest!! Instantly I felt healed :)
I went for my yearly exam and the Dr. asked me about a baby... I told her we were still trying and she advised fertility. With my past medical record and all of the female surgeries, pregnancy without fertility just wasn't likely. OK, what could it hurt? God said I was healed he never said I couldn't take something to speed the process!? right? She told me to take the fertility drug three days into my menstrual cycle. Easy enough... picked up the script and went home, patiently awaiting my period....
IT NEVER CAME!!!!!!! MY PERIOD NEVER CAME!!!! God didn't need help! 1 Month after my prophesy and BOOM!!!! I'm pregnant. The fertility pills are still sitting unopened on my dining room table.
The love of a father?! My father is the BEST dad EVER and he loves me unconditionally!! He swoops me up and plays airplane with a loving smile on his face!! He comforts me when I'm sad and tucks me in with a kiss on my forehead! He protects me from those who try to hurt me and he gives me the desires of my heart!
I have been crying all week because I am so happy and amazed that the God of Abraham calls me friend and his baby girl!!!
